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I’m Not A Zen Girl!

Fabulous After 50, Health = Happiness!, My Humble Opinion, Uncategorized, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

Meditation- I give it about 3 seconds til I hit the “crazy” button!

Dancing is the New Meditation

I have heard for decades that the best way to relax and achieve inner harmony is to meditate.  You can’t live in Southern California without have a hundred people tell you “it’s the way to go.” I call BS on that!  Don’t get me wrong.  If you meditate, and it works for you, more power to you!  I”ll even give you an “Om” to go.

It’s just that meditation, to me is the greatest and easiest way to stress out I have ever tried.  I’ve tried it more than a handful of times.  And here is exactly what happens.  I sit in this place I’ve decided to be quiet in and cleanse my mind.  In approximately 30 seconds a committee shows up in my head. The committee is loud.  It’s raucous.  They all begin to talk, taunt and tease.  I suddenly am filled with thoughts of all of the “productive” things I could be doing.  Should be doing.  Need to get done.  I think of things with work that I have been putting off.  I think of things I could be writing for my blog, rather than just sitting here, wasting time.  I think of things that need to be done in my house. How many things I need to organize. The closets that could use cleaning, the drawers that need sorting.  I think of things that WILL need to be done for work, my house, my blog in the near future.  I think about places I could go for travel and enjoyment, and want to look those things up on the internet RIGHT THEN.

I begin to think about things that really bug me.  Things that have bothered me for awhile. Things I didn’t even  KNOW bothered me.  Now I start to get REALLY irritated at the things that I didn’t even know were bothering me.

Any small problem in my life can take on gargantuan proportions when I sit down to meditate. They suddenly become overwhelming.

Meditation = STRESS For My Brain!

While attempting to meditate I start to think about things I have recently seen on Facebook that I thought were really profound.  Or really cute. Or really irritating.   You know the things I’m referring to- the political posts that differ from your opinion.  The people that voice their totally inane and negative opinions on someone’s post, which were TOTALLY unnecessary.  The more I am supposed to “empty my mind” the more that comes in to crowd it, and  my blood pressure goes up.  Which is, I think the direct opposite of the point of meditating.

All of this brain hyperactivity  can be accomplished in record time.  I’m sure I’ve just spent at LEAST three hours in the process, and when I look at the clock, I’ll be damned, five minutes haven’t even passed! God bless you if this meditation thing calms you down. It just stresses the hell out of me!

The same people who like to meditate, enjoy Yoga. Don’t even get me going on that one!  If I’m going to spend an hour in an exercise class, I want to feel like it’s doing something for my body. I can’t get through half a yoga class without wanting to laugh at the absurd positions (which don’t seem to be building any sort of muscle that I can tell). I want to giggle at the silly names they call them. And for some reason, the people in Yoga class are just too damned serious about the whole thing.  It becomes a religious activity for them, it seems.  Forget Yoga…..I much prefer to do a few crunches, hold a plank, lift a few weights, or Zumba my way to cardio health.  In Zumba you can’t help but have a happy attitude! Why- because DANCE MOVES are happening there!

Screw meditating! I’m just NOT a Zen girl!

I’m Not a Zen Girl!

I guess the cat is out of the bag.  I’m not a Zen girl.  My idea of relaxing is planning a party, figuring out my next event, or dancing.  Dancing is my “drug of choice.”

When I went through a divorce about 8 years ago, I decided to take up dancing.  It was something I’d always wanted to learn, and it was the first thing I set my mind to when I knew the marriage was over.  Now THERE is a stress reliever! There is a blood pressure reducer!  And, like meditation and yoga combined- it’s GREAT for your body!  Within a few months, although I was out every evening and enjoying a few drinks, I looked better than I had in years!  I lost weight and toned up, without dieting or even TRYING!

Dancing- My “Drug of Choice!”

When you dance, the committees can’t be in your head, because you are too busy following the lead of your partner.  You can’t think about the problems you’ve got going on, what needs to be done at home, what is going on with work.  There is only one focus.  Dancing.  What the next move is, where your partner and your body are going to lead you.

For me, dancing gives me all the benefits of meditation, and then some.

If sitting in a quiet room, making your mind blank works for you, then go for it!

Just PLEASE don’t try telling me that it’s a stress reliever!  Not for my A type of personality!  Thirty minutes of meditation a day would probably put me in the grave within the first month!

No matter what problems I have in life, after a few hours dancing I feel refreshed, at peace and in tune with my body and soul.

Dancing video, Kingston Mines (This is a little video my daughter shot of Don & I when we were all in Chicago this summer.  I realize the video is dark, and I apologize!  If you get to Chicago, this place is worth visiting!)

 

Tora, The Body Beautiful, The Headless Woman

Comedy, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

Most of you probably know that I do stand up comedy.  But, perhaps some of you don’t!  I thought I’d just share one of my stories which is on my You Tube Channel. The story of my first job, and how I became the success I am today. After all, how many people do you know who were stars of a Freak Show?  That’s me! People often ask where I get my material for my comedy. Look people, when you start out life with your first job as Tora, The Body Beautiful, The Headless Woman……… life just brings you enough shit daily to make people laugh!

That being said, I thought I’d share that sotry here.  Funny thing is, when I pulled up my YouTube Channel, smack between all of my videos is a video entitled, “Lady craps her pants on slingshot ride!  Seriously, as I said before, you can’t make this shit up!  WHY in the world is this smack dab between all of my videos, I ask you? I am not that woman, and I have never, to this day, crapped my pants in public. (Sure as hell, because I said that, it will happen before the week s out, you can just about count on that!)

That kind of sums up the story of my life- a woman crapping her pants, right between my funny-ness. Go figure.

Anyway, here’s one of my stories, just to give you a little laugh today, and if you want to check out more of my videos, go to you tube, and my channel, Patti Phillips, The Comedy Queen.  

And of course, it goes without saying, I can bring my funny-ness to you, or the organization of your choice any darned time you might like- because that’s what I do!

Have a funny day! And try not to crap your pants, slingshot ride or not!

 

What’s the “Deal” Wayne Brady?

Productions & Concerts, Raves & Rotten Reviews, Royal Ramblings!, Uncategorized, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

Really Wayne Brady?

Really Wayne?  Is this the best you’ve got for those people who have been your fans for years? Where is the funny guy, the friendly guy, the personable guy we all think of when we see Wayne Brady? I just have to ask!

Last weekend, my daughter Alyse, her friend Liza and myself took the hike up to LA to be on Let’s Make a Deal.

Now, if you know me, I’m ALL about putting together costumes!  I have, literally, dozens and dozens of costumes in totes in the top of my closet.  If you can think it up, I probably have a costume for it.

Your’s truly, my daughter Alyse, and her friend Liza. We are pretty damned glamorous, you have to admit! 🙂

We decided to go as the Three Blind Mice.  When I do a costume, I do it up to the last detail. We had mouse tummies, mouse ears, mouse bow-ties, mouse tails, mouse “canes”, sunglasses.  Sayings printed on the back of our costumes, and great 2 sided signs, with oh-so-clever sayings……..  If that doesn’t get you chosen for Let’s Make a Deal, what would, right?

The Wait Begins………

So, if you’ve never been to one of the TV game shows, let me tell you, this is a LONG and drawn out affair!  It starts with the reservation to go up there, then when you get there, you stand in line to prove you are supposed to be in the audience.  You have to show your reservation and your ID.  Then you go through a security check and metal detector…….. after that the wait starts.

Waiting in the line that seemed to take forever. But we kept the “perfect contestant” smiles plastered on our little mouse faces!

You are handed a clipboard, with about 8 pages of small print.  You fill that in and wait. And wait. And wait.  There are various people you connect with to get your ID scanned, paperwork checked out, nametags, numbers, blah, blah, blah…….

We were aware that they are checking you out the whole time to see if you are “fun material” for TV, so we kept the fun-a-coming….. the happy attitudes in check and the cuteness factor just oozing from our bodies for every damned minute…… hour (and seemingly day and week).

The thing that amazed me was the amount of people who come into this process WITH NO COSTUME!  Yep!  You can rent them there.  Now, silly me….. the way I would do this thing would be to look at who really made an effort at a costume, made it fun, made it creative — and they would be at the top of the “people to choose” list.  Evidently, not so, as you will soon see!

Don’t get too excited about this picture. This is just a “fakey” they do in front of a blue screen! Your phone is confiscated AGES before you get to the studio. We were actually sitting behind where my left ear was when we were in the audience.

At the end of the long and tedious line, you are pulled off into a little section at the end of the room with about 20 people, where one of the producers goes around, asks your name, what you do, etc…….. then into the holding tank you go, with all of those who are going to be on the show that day.

You’d think they might give you a clue, such as, “The bus to the studio will be boarding approximately “blah-blah” time, or “15 minutes after the last contestants get through their interview” or “when hell freezes over” or “when you die of old age” or “once Bettie White is no longer the most popular female in the US.”   Uh, no.  No hint.  You are a bit scared to go off to the potty, because it’s out the door, down and around the building, and up on a trailer full of porta’ potties. (Seriously?  They can’t even give you a REAL bathroom here at the Let’s Make a Deal holding pen? Let me tell you, on a day that hovered in the 80’s with more damn humidity than is legal in Cali’- this was not a pleasant experience.)  So, you don’t know if they might call everyone while you are porta’ pottying it, and you might miss the whole damn show!  And, when you are one of the 3 Blind Mice, you miss it, and the rest of the gang is also kinda’ shit outta’ luck for their costume ensemble…..

A little information for the masses would be nice you execs in charge of Let’s Make a Deal.  Just sayin!

Me and Liza. (BTW- might know that out of hundreds of people, I’d get assigned contestant number 69! Just sayin’!)

So, it’s once you are put into the “holding pen” that those who need to can rent a costume.  These aren’t great costumes.  Not by any stretch.  A lot of “Hawaiian Shirt and plastic lei” type of stuff. Santa and Santa’s helper. With “Santa” consisting of the Santa top & hat, no beard, no Santa pants or boots…… Very basic, not-a-real-costume type of costume…

And the wait goes on…..and on….. and on……

We kept up our happy-as-fuck little effervescent attitudes, however, because we KNEW we were being judged each and every moment.  Once 3 separate people gave us our marching orders (all 3 speeches were basically the same, BTW!) We were told that, indeed, we were being watched moment by moment, both now and throughout the show, until the very last moment, and we needed to keep our enthusiasm til the end, act excited if we won a prize, even if we hated it more than our mother-in-law, don’t touch Wayne Brady in any way, unless he gave explicit consent, and don’t chew gum…… we finally were herded into buses to go to the studio.

Upon getting to the studio, we were then herded into a sort of hallway to sit until further notice. Again, a bit of information would be nice.  Information such as how long we might be there, if/when and where we could go to the bathroom, etc.  Of course, the moment my daughter wandered off to the bathroom they started us moving inside, giving the other 2 members of the “blind mice” ensemble a moment of panic.

It might be nice before they DO herd you into the studio to tell you you WON’T be able to get a drink of water, or go to the bathroom for the next 2 hours or more……… HOLY GOD, is that too much to ask?  Heads up here people, do what you have to do, and you have this much time to do it in……… NOPE!

Then the fun, and the disappointment begins.

Once they seat us in the studio, there is yet another speech (#4 for those of you who have stopped counting).  This speech reiterates the same content which was gone over repeatedly before boarding the bus.  I DO fully understand, that some of the people in said audience are not rocket scientist….. but SERIOUSLY?  This isn’t LIVE TV, and if someone really F’s up, they CAN edit it out……

“His Royal Highness” Arrives!

Then “his highness” arrives on the set.  We are all prepared for the moment.  When Wayne Brady enters, the first person he calls up is a gal who isn’t even IN a costume.  SERIOUSLY?  WTF?  She was cute, and did win a motorcycle, so we were all pleased for her.  When it’s time for a commercial break, Wayne strolls out, no interaction in ANY WAY with the audience.  Not a wave, not a smile, not a joke, nothing! We, however, stand up and, as Liza put it, “dance like monkeys” the whole commercial break, because that’s how they told us they choose people for the segments. It was like rinse, and repeat for the rest of the taping of the show.  Almost everyone chosen for the show was- are you ready?…… wearing one of the IDIOTIC RENTAL COSTUMES!

Closeup of Alyse and Liza. Once you are on the show, your contestant number comes off.

There was one costume that was UBER popular in the audience.  This was a hat type device which looked like a milk carton, and your face became the face on the milk carton.  There were at least 7 people in the audience with that clever $5.00 costume.  There were 3 “rainbow unicorns.”  90% of the costumes were easy-peasy purchased costumes We had the only hand held signs in the whole audience.  No notice of that!  We had accessories! We had cuteness!  We had creativity!  All that, on top of our sparkling personalities the whole frickin’ day!  And none of us were called!

There was one gal in our “group” who did get called up front.  We were so happy for her! She was a kind of Sandra Bullock look-alike, and very friendly.  Her costume was a slot machine, and she had personalized it with Wayne Brady phrases on it.  Alyse called it early on that she would get chosen, and we were excited to see her do well.

Wayne Brady……. Not So Much……

But the worst part of the experience? Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady and his lack of interaction with anyone in the audience.  He didn’t actually even ACKNOWLEDGE us in any way shape or form!  Other than 2 funny bits he did while the camera was rolling with guys on stage and in the audience, none of us existed.  We were simple “props”, and not worthwhile human beings.

Like mother, like daughter. Even as blind mice we look similar! Turns out, Wayne Brady is kind of a dirty rat. At least, not a very friendly one, as it turns out!

Wayne, Wayne, Wayne……. I’ve loved you since I saw the first Who’s Line is it Anyway…. but I’ll never feel the same about you.  Bummer! I don’t think a bit of kindness to the people in the audience would have been too much to ask from you. Wayne actually came right in front of us in the audience, to get to the woman they were choosing for “the big deal”.  No eye contact, not a hello, not a hi five…… in fact, I don’t think he knew we were humans he raced in front of.

Wayne, you pompous little ass! You hadn’t been standing in line all day. You hadn’t been in the holding pen for hours. I’m pretty damned sure YOU hadn’t missed lunch.  You weren’t dying of thirst and needing a bathroom.  Would a little hand wave, a few hugs, maybe a little joke or two have killed you? What’s the deal, Wayne?  Did you forget the people who put in in front making the big bucks? Our relationship is officially over now you chump!  I’m embarrassed for you and your lack of simple kindness and compassion to the people who came to see you.  Nice suit, by the way.

Ta Ta for the Titties, Too Much for Me!

Comedy, Fabulous After 50, My Humble Opinion, Raves & Rotten Reviews, styles, Uncategorized, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

TaDa for the TaTa’s…..

I don’t care what kind of sweat be a drippin’ down your boobs. No one needs to look like this!

So here I am, just strolling through Facebook. The first “down time” I’ve had in almost 2 weeks, and I thought I’d check out what is going on in the world of my Facebook friends, when suddenly I come across this ad for the Ta Ta Towel.  I had to stop, take a gander, then look into this further.

Uh, no. Not for me. So sorry!

If you aren’t yet familiar with the Ta Ta Towel, it is basically a hammock, made out of a towel to hang your titties in. In other words, an “Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.”  (That’s what I would have called this invention, if, indeed, I had invented it….. which I didn’t, because I didn’t know there was even a need for it.)  Evidently, a number of big breasted women seem to sweat under their boobs while getting themselves ready to go out into the world for the day.  Hence, the “Ta Ta Towel” was invented. It is described on their sites as “The perfect accessory to any set of boobs.” I prefer a diamond necklace as my boobs perfect little accessory.  Call me a snob.

No one should be going out in public like this. Sorry! If you wonder why you can’t get a date, maybe it’s because you are out in clothing that just wouldn’t flatter ANYONE! Not to mention, those titties are gonna go a floppin’ out, you can just about count on that!

Solutions for Sweaty Boobs

Perhaps I’m a skeptic, and perhaps it’s because my rather ample boobs don’t seem to have this weeping sweatage problem…….. but did anyone ever think of a simple little robe?  I have a cute little leopard number, which is nice and cool in our oh-so-hot summer weather, and I throw that on when I’m getting ready for the day. (Unless the weather is cool, then I throw on a warmer robe. But in either case, I don’t need a special over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.)  My simple little robe seems to do the trick for me.

I did a little further research on the Ta Ta, and found they have a facebook page, a number of “reviews” on the item, and, evidently, some different colors and patterns that the Ta Ta might be ordered in.

I’m a Sucker, I’ll Admit It!

I’ll admit, I’m usually a sucker for everything that comes my way, and promises to solve a problem.  I’ve tried the “Skinny Coffee.”  About $30.00 later, and a few weeks of coffee that had some suspect white specs in it later…… not an ounce was lost. I also fell prey to the curlers that promised to give me ringlet type of curls fast and easy……. wait for the video on this one folks.  You’ll be glad you did. (As soon as I figure out how the hell to make said video).  The black mud looking mask……… don’t ask.

This time, however, I did not fall prey to ordering the Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.  Why you may ask?  When even the model looks frumpy and dumpy in it, I know that no one in my house, including me, needs to see this shit.  In addition, they retail for $45.00!  Are they kidding me?  Come on. REALLY Ta Ta?  Had this thing been $10.00, maybe even $15.00, I would have been tempted to buy one, just for shits and giggles, and to share with the likes of you who read this blog.  But seriously?  $45.00?  Holy crap!  I am in itinerant “second hand” shopper.  My nicest dresses and evening gowns don’t even cost me $45.00!  Am I going to buy a boob sweat sopper and spend that much?  Not on your life Sam! No way!  I could buy at least 4 or 5 new dresses for that amount of money, and they are going to be one HELL of a lot more fun and flattering than this gizmo!

I suppose I could do a “Go Fund Me” page, so that people could contribute to me purchasing the Ta Ta, but I’m saving that route for something really big and important, like a face lift or tummy tuck sometime down the line.  You’ve got to plan these things out to get the most “bang for your buck” you know!

Ta Ta Towel s just not me!

I have to say, the Ta Ta Towel just doesn’t speak to me! Just give me a little “seasonal” robe! Cozy in the winter, cool in the summer! Is it too much work to try to look a bit reasonable, even at home?

Meanwhile, I’ll just use one of my cute little robes to hold the boulders while I’m getting ready for the day. And thank my lucky little stars that my boobs don’t sweat.  Life is good here at the Queen’s castle!

If you think that you just can’t live without a Ta Ta Towel, here is a bit more information on this nifty invention!

Tsk, Tsk, TSA!

My Humble Opinion, Royal Ramblings!, Serious Shit, Travel and Adventure, Uncategorized, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

If you’ve done much traveling over the past few years, I’m sure you have experienced opening your suitcase to find a white card, about 3 1/2″ x 8 1/2″  to inform you that TSA has done a “safety inspection” of your suitcase.  I have had it happen.  On more than one occasion. (The picture below shows the lovely little form they leave in your suitcase. If you’ve been so lucky to have your bag inspected you will recognize this.)

TSA Safety Inspection…….You may note that nowhere does this say that TSA has been given permission to go on a “search and destroy mission.” Only that they may inspect your items………https://www.tsa.gov/travel/security-screening

I’m the first person to vote for taking necessary precautions to keep our country, airports and aircraft safe.  By all means. I’m sure there is not another American who would want to see a repeat of the awful events of 911.

But the people at TSA obviously have no regard for your items in your suitcase, or how they handle them.

Explain to me this—- does an inspection of your bag result  in your bag looking like it was ransacked by orangutans in the jungle searching for bananas?  Or perhaps an 8 year old frantically searching for his iPad so he can play his favorite video game?  Do you remember the old luggage commercial, where they had an ape throw the suitcase out of the airplane, then stomp on it a number of times to prove its durability?  Evidently, the same apes are still employed at the airport, only they now work for TSA.  Someone told them that the bananas are stored at the bottom of each suitcase, and if they look hard enough, they may find them!

That is the condition my bag has been left on in  more than one occasion.  We just flew up to San Jose, a short 1 hour flight.  My bag was just slightly larger than a carry on size, and I had all my makeup, lotions and potions in it, so of course I checked it.  (Anyone who has traveled with me knows the makeup bag is about 18 pounds alone.  So I’m a bit high maintenance, what can I say?)

When we arrived at our destination, I quickly needed to change for a meeting we were attending.  I opened my bag, to find everything in it jumbled about.  This particular bag is very deep on both sides of the zipper, so there is a zippered panel which separates both sides to keep everything neat. On the bottom side of the bag is an elastic thingy that clips to keep your hanging clothes in place.  The zipped separator was undone, as was the elastic thingy. (In case you are wondering, elastic thingy is the technical term for this apparatus. Just sayin’….)

Believe it or not, this had previously been a neatly packed suitcase. When I opened it, the strapping was undone, the zipper compartment on the other side was undone, and my clothes spilled EVERYwhere when I opened it up. SERIOUSLY TSA? Is this REALLY the way to do things?

I was a little shocked, because I knew this was not how I left things when I packed my bag just a few hours before.  Then it began to hit me………. I’ll bet TSA has had their grubby little hands in my suitcase……… SURE ENOUGH!  There was that telltale white notification.. “Notice of baggage inspection.” While telling that TSA is required by law to inspect all bags, and that some bags are opened and inspected, it’s the second paragraph which is interesting.  The notification states, as follows: During the inspection, your bag and its contents may have been searched for prohibited items.  At the completion of the inspection, the contents were returned to your bag.”

Seriously TSA?

Nowhere in that statement do I see it stating that the contents will be thrown into a giant mixer, tossed around for 15 minutes then thrown back into the bag by gorillas.

The strangest and most disturbing time TSA “hit” my suitcase was a few years ago, when I was……. uh….. single, and going to meet a male friend (OK, a “friend with benefits” if you must).  I opened my suitcase to find it totally in disarray, as described above……. with one exception.  Evidently, Mr. TSA wanted to give his vote on his favorite garments in the suitcase.  In so doing, although he had destroyed the folding and organization of everything in the suitcase, he had layed out, EVER SO CAREFULLY, my red bustier, matching panties, garter,stockings and matching shoes!  COME ON YOU FUCKING PERV!  Really?  You have to riffle through and destroy all of my clothes in the name of “national security” and can’t take a moment to check the suitcase’s contents carefully— YET you have time to lay my lingerie out in a nice little “Flat Stanley” type of ensemble on top of everything, right along with the  card?  Seems to be going a bit far, don’t you think?

It doesn’t end there though. He had even gone so far as to go into my cosmetics bag and get out the lube and condoms. SERIOUSLY?????? They were also laid out with the outfit.

Nice touch TSA!

Nice touch TSA! Not only did he lay out his favorite outfit, but he went so far as to go into my cosmetic bag and take OUT the KY and put it with the outfit! I think he had a hard time deciding between the gold shoes and the red shoes with this outfit, so he gave me the option of deciding!

I even took the time to snap a picture of it, and send it off to TSA.  Never did get a response.  They probably have the photo of my red lingerie ensemble up in the men’s john there, with TSA agents wacking off to it daily!

My advice to you is to be careful what you pack. You just may provide the fodder for some TSA perv to get his jollys at work that day!

PS…….. Don is convinced that my publishing this article will result in me no longer getting the “TSA Pass” when I travel.  I somehow get it every time I go through the airport.  I don’t think enough people really read my shit that TSA is going to put me on the “most wanted” list at the airport.

 

 

Lost in Translation

Comedy, Uncategorized, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

A Different World!

A while back, I found myself in the neighborhood of a large Asian market, so I decided I’d stop in.  I’d had a craving for lemongrass tea, and the only place I know to find honest-to-goodness lemongrass is at the Asian market.

From the moment you pull in the parking lot, you know you are in a different world.  To begin with, about 90% of the parking spaces in this lot are labeled “compact.”  What the hell is up with that?  Do they assume that because many Asians are small, they must all drive compact cars?  You might think that my car would qualify, since I drive a Korean car, a Hyundai Sonata. But alas, not true.  My car was definitely far too large for most of the spaces in this lot.  So I was forced to drive around until one of the very few “non-compact” spaces opened up.

The “Wrong” Hair Salon….

Just doing this proved to be interesting.  To begin with, the business directly next store to the Ranch 99 Asian Market is called the Lazy Day Spa.  Now, depending on where you put the accent as you read it, the name of this spa can read two ways.  I couldn’t help but picture a comedy skit where someone calls for an appointment, and the 2 Asian ladies working there give some sort of response to the caller, such as, “No, I can’t book a massage for you, I’m feeling verrry razy.” (Asian accent making the pronunciation of lazy turn to “razy”….. “Hey Risa,” (the Asian pronunciation for Lisa…..  “You feel like giving massage today?”  Upon Lisa’s answer, the caller is told, “Sorry, we are feeling too razy today to give massage, call some other time.” (In case you think I made this up- here is the link I found on Backpage…….. not sure what TYPE of massage you might get here!  Buyer beware!)

This particular market is its own sort of mini-mall.  In addition to the market, there are a number of stores which line the entry hall.  Outside of the market is a sign for one of the shops.  A hair salon.  A hair salon with a most unfortunate name.  The Rong Rong Hair Salon.  (Really, you can’t make this shit up!) Again, immediately I picture going to this salon, and my hairstyle, cut or color not exactly coming out as I expected.  When asked by a friend who did my hair, my response would be, “The Rong Rong Salon.”  I’m sure she would reply, “Duh, that is obvious to see, that’s why I want to know where you went!  Can’t you just give me the name of this wrong place you went? Friends don’t let friends get their hair f’d up like yours just did! ”

It seems to me that neither of these businesses really thought out the translation, and what assumptions could be made by their chosen names!  A great example of “losing something in the translation.”

Ah, but it doesn’t stop there.  Oh no!

When you enter the Asian Market, you feel as though you are transported half way around the world. The smell is DEFINITELY something different than we would ever have in your typical Ralph’s or Von’s…… let’s just call it “pungent”……….. a mix of seafood and strange assorted dried roots, fish and other unidentifiable products, such as we have never seen in our stores.

As you wander through the produce section, there are dozens of fruits and vegetables that are totally unknown in our culture.  I wasn’t sure what a number of them were, or what you were supposed to do with them!  I do know that one of them, the Duran fruit, is supposed to have such an awful odor that when we were in Thailand, hotels forbade them to be brought into the hotel!  (Hmmmmmm maybe this is a small part of the store’s strange odor.

As you wander up and down the aisles, once again, you will find hundreds of items unknown to our culture!

The Asian JonBenet Ramsey

The epitome of the lack of translation came while I was waiting to check out.  I seemed to have gotten into the line of the slowest check out person in history.  (A special talent I have developed and honed throughout the years.)  Since the check out stand is right in front of a major aisle going through the store (a kind of idiotic layout, if I do say myself) I decided to continue the line down the grocery aisle across from the checkout stand. This aisle, as it turned out, is the beauty aisle.  Again, products one would never see in a typical “American” grocery store.  Since, said slow checker was moving slower than molasses on a cold day, I had a lot of time to peruse this particular aisle.  One of the first things I noticed was hair dye, obviously produced in Japan. The pictures on the front of the hair dye were a bit unsettling. The pictures, showing the hair color appeared to be the Japanese version of JonBenet Ramsey.  The girl looks to be about 6.  REALLY?  Are 6 year olds in Japan buying, and using a large amount of hair dye?  Is this the effect that Japanese women are trying to achieve by dying their hair- looking like a grade schooler?  A bit disconcerting, to say the least.

 Creepy Kid

Am I the only one who finds this photo on women’s hair dye a bit odd?

As I waited, the Asian version of Justin Bieber walked up, with bleached blonde hair which was gelled about 6”  above his head.  In tow were two teenaged girls, who appeared to be almost like “groupies” giggling and batting their lashes at him.  They were, evidently, in pursuit of the hair wax which helped his modified pompadour to perform undefiable feats of magic!  Unfortunately, Justin and his entourage had encountered a problem.  The problem being, said hair was  housed on the top shelf of the hair products, making it a bit over 6 feet from the floor.  Making it also, about 18” out of reach of most of the patrons of the store.  Tallish Caucasian woman to the rescue!  I was able to retrieve the needed item, and send “Justin” and his eye batting fans on their way.

Huh?

I assume this is trying to say that California is still in a drought?

Start Your Morning With A Motivational Mug!

While still waiting for slow-clerk, I glanced to my left, and, being “The Queen” my eye was immediately attracted to something pink, sporting a crown.  The lefthand side of this aisle was filled with dishes, such as rice dishes, sushi plates and mugs. What had caught my eyes were a series of mugs, with, ummmmm,  “Motivational Sayings???????” on them.  I guess my question here on them actually being “motivational sayings”, is that the translation was so poor, in most the cases I wasn’t at all sure what the point of the sayings were.

If you say so!

No sense trying to be a success folks! If you don’t do it all the time, you are just a loser, according to this motivational wonder!

I proceeded through the line, eventually, and on my way I went.  But I couldn’t get these mugs out of my mind.  I was having a comedy show a few days later, so I decided these would be a great addition to the show.  Down to Claremont Mesa I went, pulled into the lot of Ranch 99, fought for one of the few “non-compact” parking places, strolled into the pungent market, and over to the shelf which held the mugs.  Imagine my surprise when I saw that the mugs, which had been PLENTIFUL days before, at least 50 of them in stock originally, were down to just 5 mugs left.

Road Signs?

You evidently have to be willing to get to the end of the road……. or something like that!

Obviously, whatever the translation is supposed to be made more sense to people who started out speaking a different language than English!  Go figure!  If you work hard, you can kind of get the gist of what they were attempting to say.  But then……… there are a few that will forever remain a mystery.  Well, a mystery to me, I guess. They obviously made sense to the people who snapped them up off the store shelves!  The last one below, is REALLY the kicker!  I can’t for my LIFE figure out what it is supposed to mean.  Any guesses?

Say WHAT?

What they were trying to say here is FAR beyond my capabilities to figure out! I had to keep this one, and often contemplate it while enjoying my morning Cuppa!

 

 

 

What Happens in Vegas……..

Cocktail Time, Raves & Rotten Reviews, Travel and Adventure, Uncategorized, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

World’s Biggest “Royal” Martini!

This martini is even too big for me! On Fremont Street- Old Las Vegas

This martini is even too big for me! On Fremont Street- Old Las Vegas

You know the old saying, “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”?  In some cases, that may be a good thing!  If you’ve been in Vegas more than an hour, and haven’t seen something, you must not have left your hotel room!

I thought I’d take a few minutes and just post some of the crazy and silly things we saw on our little 3 day Vegas getaway………

Park on Fremont

While on Fremont Street we came across a crazy little restaurant for lunch.  Park on Fremont, at 506 Fremont. It looked like it was right out of a Tim Burton film.  I absolutely loved the wacky decor!  The courtyard in the back was as cute as could be, but too damned hot to sit out there while we were there. We were just about the only people in the place, and the food and service were both rather enjoyable. We were happy to find it.  I’d suggest you go if you are in the area!

Interior of Park on Fremont

The interior of this place is funky, weird and fabulous! Behind the bar a fireplace surround is used for the beer taps. Everywhere you look, there are things that are, well……. unexpected, in the decor.  I loved all of the strange quirks!

 

Strange picture

One of the strange pictures in the place. Sad thing is, I think I may have once dated this guy!

 

Hallway at Park at Fremont

Even the hallway at Park at Fremont has an interesting vibe! The wallpaper is a bit creepy, look closely at the girl repeated throughout.  There are different chandeliers staggered all the way down the hall.  I fell in love with the colorful one shown in the front! Don’t be surprised if you come to my house someday and see an assortment of different chandeliers staggered down my hallway!

 

Park on Freemont

Another strange picture. The girls dress is made of meat and sausages…… The bodice is a muscle…

 

Check out the lady's face and pose!

This picture was out in the couryard. It’s one of those things you may not pick up on at first, but when you do……….

 

Park on Fremont, Courtyard

The courtyard was really charming and eclectic. I’d love to go back when the weather permits.

Heart Attack Grill. Does America REALLY need this?

Heart attack grill sign

The Heart Attack Grill. OK, not my cup of tea, but there is a HUGE scale outside, and if you weigh over 350 pounds you eat free here……. Go figure!

Sign over the huge scale

If you stand on this huge scale and weigh over 350 pounds, I guess bells and whistles go off and you get to eat free. Now THERE is an honor I hope to never have bestowed on me!

Heart attack grill door

The door at the Heart Attack Grill.  Only in Las Vegas! This place is crazy!  Not my style, but pretty damn funny!

 

Heart attack grill

At the heart attack grill, hospital gowns are considered “mandatory clothing.” After you enter, they take you through an area to “suit you up.”  Not my style, not enough bling for me! But then, I’m the woman who refused to wear a hospital gown to give birth to my daughter.  I had to get special permission from the head of the hospital to bring my own “cute” gown.  After all, there are pictures of such events!

Fun on Fremont Street!

Over Fremont Street

I ziplined over Fremont Street. That’s why I couldn’t eat at the Heart Attack Grill. I may not have made the weight limit for the ride!

Funny Guy on Fremont Street

Don and I came across this funny guy on Fremont street. What a kick he was!

 

Street Comedian

This is the other side of this guys sign. He was a pretty entertaining and nice man!

 

Under arrest in Vegas

Don was put under arrest on the strip! My man is the biggest “boy scout” in the world, but I think he might have gone into a life of crime if these two were going to dole out the punishment!

 

Vegas Cops

I’m not certain what he did to be put under arrest, but he didn’t seem to mind! I didn’t even know they made butts like that! Holy Cow!

 

Naked guy in Vegas

So, Don gets arrested by the best butts in town and I get this naked guy! What is wrong with this picture? The Bodies Exhibit at Ballys was pretty interesting!  Hey, do you like my blingy handbag? If so, check out my shopping page and you can have one yourself!

 

Big Balls in Las Vegas

Only in Las Vegas would you see a booth selling “Big Balls.” I have to confess, I really wanted the large disco ball……Is it just me, or does this kiosk look like it belongs in New Orleans? Check out the zipliners up above!

What Happens to Old Strippers? Ask Don!

Retired Stripper

Did you ever wonder what happened to old strippers? Well, I guess the mystery is solved! Don went from beautiful cops, to dilapitated stripper! You really CAN’T make this shit up!

 

The Mentalist

We went to see the show, “The Mentalist”. What a fabulous show! He knew things about Don & I that no one should know! Go see this show if you are in Vegas! It was fabulous!

Himalayan Salt Cave

After such a difficult few days, what could I do but relax at the Spa? This is the Himalayan Salt cave, experienced after our couples’ massage!

 

 

Please Flush The Toilet!

Comedy, Mimsy Whimsy, My Humble Opinion, Pet Peeves, Royal Ramblings!, Serious Shit, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

Excuse me, can you please just flush the damned toilet?

Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves, we all have them.  Sometimes, they are legit.  Sometimes, you are just plain fucking crazy.  MY pet peeves are all reasonable.  Anyone and everyone would agree with them, I’m certain.

Park on Freemont

I love the  humor on the sign in the ladies room at this restaurant (Park on Fremont in Las Vegas)!  So many signs in restrooms are ridiculous and boring…and say the same ol’ shit you’ve read 100 times!  If we don’t know by now we need to wash our hands, I think it’s just plain too damned late!

The one that is my #1 Pet Peeve-leaving the toilet, toilet seat or toilet stall a mess.  Listen bitches, when you walk out of a public restroom, before you leave the stall, look back, and make sure that anything you left in or ON  the toilet is gone once you flush.  It SEEMS like such an easy thing to me.  I do it, and never once have I been worn out from the effort. I actually don’t even remember a time I had to take a nap immediately after due to the stress of such tough work. I make sure the toilet paper has flushed, the pee-pee and pooh-pooh have flushed, ass gaskets have gone down the toilet, and no drips are on the seat.  It’s a pretty simple task, in my estimation……

Bathroom Sign

Seriously, should we have to have a sign to tell people this shit? It seems simple enough to figure out, doesn’t it?

Why, oh why, oh why then is it that about 3 times out of 4, I walk into a stall to find one or more of the above mentioned gross situations,  in or on a toilet???? COME ON LADIES!  I’m willing to bet that at home, these same women don’t have huge wads of toilet paper building up in their toilets!  They’d have a fit if their husband left a single drip of urine on the toilet seat. And yet, it’s OK for me to walk in the stall they just walked out of and deal with their filth!

 

The one that REALLY frost my ass is the person who uses an ass gasket (the little paper thing that is supposed to keep you from getting some sort of life-threatening disease) and leaves it on the toilet when they walk out. The tissue thin paper has now soaked up the water/urine/whatever from the toilet being flushed, so that while THEY have chosen not to touch a dry toilet seat previously, they have left a sopping tissue and urine soaked toilet seat for the next victim using the same stall.………

I wish this was a rare occurance, but unfortunately, it just isn’t! Come on- why do I now have to handle YOUR ass gasket?

What About the Golden Rule?

Who the hell thinks this shit is A-OK?  What about the golden rule?  I really don’t understand the thought process of these women, but there evidently are  a huge shit-load of you out there!  I’ve been known on occasion to call someone out when they have just evacuated and left this sort of mess.  “Excuse me, would you like to finish the flushing and wiping process from the toilet you just walked out of?”  Typically, all I have gotten in response is a rude look, as I decide to use another stall.

And, while we are on this shitty topic- how many people REALLY need a reminder, every damned time we are in a toilet, that all that is supposed to go into the toilet is toilet paper?  I honestly think I’ve seen the request made any number of different ways: cute, pleading, bitchy, formally, silly.  All, however said, basically say the same thing- Don’t put anything that didn’t come out of your body naturally, or was used to wipe the same part down the toilet.  Simple.  Seems simple.  Seems uber simple. Can’t we just be told this once in life, and have the information stick?  Evidently there are a lot of people out there breaking this common sense rule too, or they wouldn’t be reminding us of it every time we shut the stall door.  SERIOUSLY?  Come on people, this isn’t fucking rocket science!

Bathroom signs

Again, this isn’t rocket science. Is there any female who hasn’t figured this one out by the time they are 12 years old- and may really need to USE feminine products?

Singapore Does Things Right!  Big Brother, And Sister, Are Watching!

I don’t know if you are privy to this, but in Singapore, you can place someone under citizens arrest if they don’t flush the toilet and leave the stall properly clean and tidy.  I’d add one more layer to that rule, and make them clean the whole damn bathroom.  With their tongues.  I realize, I’m a tough task-master, but anyone who knows me, knows that I just don’t abide rudeness well.  They would remember if they did THAT shit, I’m sure.

This is the type of Bathroom PSA I appreciate. Ones that remind me what to flush and not flush seem redundant…..Club Fox has it right!

Toilets would be flushed.  Ass gaskets would be flushed down the toilet completely and neatly.  Urine drips and God forbid, blood drops would be wiped up, and the wiping tissue placed neatly where it belonged.

A word of advice, should our bathroom useage cross paths….beware, if I’m in the bathroom, and you leave it gross, and I happen to be the one walking in as you walk out….I’m calling you out in front of everyone, so be ready!

Bathroom performance sign

This is painted on the wall of Peggy Sue’s Diner in Yermo- on the way to Las Vegas. Kind of cute. I love it when bathrooms have clever signs in their bathrooms or on the door to tell whether it is a men’s room or women’s room!

The Stuff America Is Made Of!

My Humble Opinion, Raves & Rotten Reviews, Royal Ramblings!, Travel and Adventure, Uncategorized, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

Peggy Sue’s 50’s Diner

Peggy Sue Sign

You have probably seen it many times if you have driven to Vegas! It is a classic out in the middle of no where! It truly is “The Stuff America is Made Of!”

If you’ve driven to Las Vegas from San Diego, you’ve seen this little gem.  I’ve driven past it untold dozens of times, but never stopped in.  In the middle of absolutely NO WHERE, Yermo to be precise, is Peggy Sue’s Diner.  The stuff America is made of.  Or WAS made of at one time.

“Happy Days” Revisited

Peggy Sue, Betty Boop

When you walk through the door, this is what greets you. Well only the Betty Boop part of this picture. Usually I am not actually there to greet people!

When you step through the door it’s like stepping back in history.  Its “Happy Days” revisited.   Back to a day when America was wholesome, when families were intact. A time when mom’s job was to stay at home and take care of the kids, and no one had to worry if some psycho was going to go into their child’s classroom and open fire.  That innocent time in America is where you are transported the moment you step through the door of Peggy Sue’s diner.  50’s music is playing.  The walls are lined, top to bottom with memorabilia from days gone by, old concert and movie posters and photos of every  movie star you can imagine, some from years ago, some more recent.  You could literally spend hours looking at this bit history from the 50’s and 60’s in our great country.

As you enter, you are greeted with a life sized statue of Betty Boop.  When you step into the original part of the restaurant, the diner portion, you’ll see a waitress wearing a turquoise and pink uniform, reminiscent of the old diner waitresses, right down to the bobby socks.  She’ll tell you, in a friendly voice to “follow the yellow brick road” and seat yourself wherever you’d like.  Sure enough, as you look down you’ll see a path of yellow linoleum running right through the middle of the floor.

Bursting With Pies, Fries and Other Treats!

Peggy Sue Pie case

There are two pie cases filled with fresh baked pies. The servers are always running top speed to take care of the customers!

As you pass through the diner portion there are two cases filled with freshly baked pies.  I remember those same style of pie cases from my local childhood restaurants in the Midwest.

Is it hokey?  Sure it is.  But somehow, you can’t help but feel happy.  Once you sit down, you will also find a menu resplendent with food from days gone by.  Burgers, fries  and shakes, of course.  Also, from “back in the day”- Meatloaf, Liver and Onions (bacon and extra $1.29), and chicken fried steak.  On the pink menu (what other color could it POSSIBLY be?) is the story of how Peggy Sue’s came to be.

Elvis, Shelley and Patti

We HAD to pose in front of Elvis! The trip wouldn’t be complete without Elvis! After all, doesn’t Elvis simblify “The Stuff America is Made Of?”

Service With a Smile!

Our waitress, Shelley (sorry you PC people, but back in the day, that’s what they were called, and in Peggy Sue’s you ARE back in the day) looked like she could have been on board at Peggy Sue’s for the past 30 or 40 years, but as it turned out, she is actually pretty new to the place, under two years.  She took care of us the way you’d expect.  Efficiently, friendly and with time for a kind word and conversation, not to mention, she took time for a picture with Elvis and me!

Peggy Sue's bathroom

This is in Peggy Sue’s ladies room! It gave me a bit of a start when I first walked in!

As soon as we were seated, I had to take a trip into the ladies room and met with a brief shock!  I rushed through the door, and did a quick doubletake!  There was a gentleman, standing at a urinal doing his business!  I quickly realized that it was simply a mannequin in front of a painted urinal! Peggy Sue had pulled a fast one on me, and it gave me a chuckle.  Once again, corny, but good ol’ fashioned fun.  Painted next to the sinks was a sign that requested you “remain seated throughout the performance.” Another corny, but wholesome joke.

Our food came, and it proved to be far more than we needed.  Don started out with a chocolate shake,  then moved on to a burger and fries. I ordered something that I seldom see on a menu any more, but do love- Liver and Onions.  Again, something that takes me back to days gone by!  I enjoyed it thoroughly!

You Can Shop Til You Drop!

Peggy Sues Memorabilia Store

Collections of all sorts are found here- Wizard of Oz, Betty Boop, Marily Monroe, Coca-Cola, Elvis……. You name it, you can find it!

Not to be missed is their gift shop, another trip down memory lane.  Coca-cola memorabilia, every  of bottled soda you can imagine, Wizard of Oz collections, tin lunchboxes, Marilyn Monroe knick-knacks, 8×10 photos of old time stars, you name it!  Fun to peruse.  My treasure for the day?  Don got me a wineglass that says “Queen Bee” on it!

Don’t Bite Off More Than You Can Chew!

Diner-Sour Park

Diner-Sour Park was an experience! Kids would love it! There was a pond with dozens of turtles in addition to the dinasour sculptures.

Exit the back door of the gift shop and you move on to another chapter in the kitschy “American Tourist” scene known as Peggy Sue’s.  They have their own “Diner-saur Park.”  An area with metal dinosaur and King Kong sculptures, a water fall and a pond with seemingly hundreds of turtles swimming around (two in the process of mating while we were taking our little tour,  I might add!) Hokey, Smarmy……. The stuff that kids never forget when you are on vacation and let them take a few minutes to enjoy.

Dino- Sour Park @ Peggy Sue's

This tall sculpture is part of the park behind Peggy-Sue’s.

Will I stop at Peggy Sue’s again?  You bet your sweet ass I will.  It will probably become a part of my “Vegas drive ritual!”  I’m just sorry that I never discovered it when we took my kids to Vegas the many times we made the drive.  Their dad’s family ran diners, and this would have been a bit of history they would have loved.

Check it out the next time you drive to Vegas.  You’ll be glad you took the time.

 

You Can’t Always Trust “BOB”

Comedy, Fabulous After 50, Mimsy Whimsy, Serious Shit, Sexuality, Sexy After 60!, Uncategorized, You Can't Make This Shit Up!
Spying Vibrator

Spying Vibrator! Watch out ladies!

You can’t always trust BOB  (Battery Operated Boyfriend)

A friend of mine mentioned to me that she doesn’t need a boyfriend.  She already has BOB.  BOB it seems, is a battery operated boyfriend.  (For those of you who are really slow, this is a vibrator.)  I thought that a great play on words.  After all, men can let you down, but BOB won’t.  Right???

Wrong!  It turns out that not only could BOB let you down, but he could severely disappoint you.  Make you feel the fool.  Use and abuse you!  You might wonder how in the world THAT could be possible?

The big story broke in the news mid-March.  Evidently, the company who makes a vibrator known as the We-Vibe got caught spying on their buyers’ personal vibrator use!  Yep, that’s right people!  You could buy this vibrator, and then download an app which allowed it to be turned on through your smart phone remotely or whatever you wanted…..

Let’s recap this.  If you haven’t seen this vibrator, it’s a little c-shaped number, that I guess clamps right into the ol’ vagina and on your clit.  So, I’m not understanding this.  Are women walking around with this thing, and just for shits and giggles the hubby hits the on button from his smart phone while he’s busting it out earning a buck at the office?  I’m pretty damn forward thinking sexually, but this whole thing just isn’t making sense to me…..Maybe one of you who read this blog will fill me in, because I’m a bit mystified here. Truly I am….. I just can’t imagine that I’m going to spend my day hooked up to my little We vibrator………  I mean, wouldn’t it just want to fall out?  Now THAT could be an embarrassing moment in your day.

Clit-Gate… Someone’s Watching!

So, as the story goes, the folks that be, at We Vibe’s parent company, Standard Innovation, went into the records of all the sexually active users, to determine how long and at what frequency said customers used their little sex toys. You could think of this as “Clit-Gate.” The app was called We-Connect.  I guess that people didn’t realize that the WE who would be connecting was going to be the manufacturer, checking in on YOUR vagina! This is worse than the spying Russians! Worse than the spying microwaves!  These spys are right in your bedroom, and hooked up to your Va- Jay-Jay!  It doesn’t get any more personal than this!  The only spy I’ve know who was this intimate was James Bond, and he had to at least don a tuxedo and talk his way into a ladies bedroom before he turned on the “spy mode!”

You’ve Can’t Trust These New-fangled inventions!

Interesting Data Research Project…

Now THAT must have been some interesting data research going on there!  Can’t you see it?  “Hey boss, Mary Smith in Wasco, Illinois uses her vibrator 8 times a day, for an average of 16 minutes each time.  Do you think I could google her, and give her a call?  I’m all about helping out a girl in need!”

So, however the beans got spilled, the powers that be found out that women’s clits all over the United States were being spied on, without their knowledge, and it resulted in a HUGE settlement from the sex toy manufacturer.

A New Meaning to The Phrase “Your Money-Maker”

In fact, if it turns out that you are one of the people who downloaded this app, it was worth a whopping $10000.00 to you!  Holy Shit!  I’d have bought one of these puppies had I known I could use the money maker to make this kind of money!

And if it turns out that you bought the We-vibe, but didn’t download the app, so your sweetie could turn you on remotely?  Still worth $199.00 buck-a-roos.  Not bad. I guess it’s about the amount these things cost when you purchased them, so they are paying you back for their fuck up.  Good deal, you can still use the original We-Vibe, and visit the sex store to buy some new sex enhancing items.

Just watch what you download on them, you never know who might be watching!  Just in case you think I might make this shit up- here is an article to prove that I am a girl of my word! Google and you will find numerous other articles discussing the lawsuit.  Interesting reading, for those nights you don’t have BOB to entertain you……

Meanwhile,  I think I’ll just stick with the good ol’ fashioned boyfriend that I have at home, and forget the new fangled, remote controlled BOB!

Afternote on this blog.  I looked up to see how you are supposed to use this wonder of sexuality.  It turns out, the “spy factory” produced a film.  If you want a REAL laugh, I’d suggest you watch the “how to” film.  The use of this object is only more mystifying to me at this point.  Between the petting the couple are doing to each other, and the hand used to exemplify a woman’s vagina……. I am thoroughly confused.  And Amused…….. (We-Vibe How To Video)