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The Comedy Queen – LIVE!

Cocktail Time, Comedy, Entertaining, Events, Productions & Concerts

I have a show coming up, and it is sure to be sold out, so don’t wait!  Get your tickets now!  Only a few tickets left!

Contact me NOW to join the fun!

I give a 100% money back guarantee that I will make you laugh!  (And by the way – if you DON’T laugh, get yourself checked out, you just may be DEAD and they forgot to bury you!

Don’t miss out on the fun! This great new restaurant will be a fantastic venue for fun!

The Sound of Silence

Comedy, Fabulous After 50, Health = Happiness!, My Humble Opinion, Royal Ramblings!, Sexy After 60!, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

If you know me, you know that I love being pampered as much as the next girl!  In fact, earlier this evening Don and I went for a 90 minute massage.  We go pretty often.  Many would call me spoiled, and I don’t feel bad about it for a minute.

Nails, pedicures, facials…… I’m a regular at pretty much all of them.

So, of course, when I saw an article about the most “out there” spa treatments, I was sucked into reading it stat!

The idea of most of them left me cold (or hot- but not in a good way!) Treatments where they switch from freezing you to heating your body parts with hot volcanic rocks, within moments of one another.  People ringing little bells and making noises while you are having a massage. Metal bowls laid on your body, and sound vibrations being used to “calm you.”

Shammans, High Priestess’, detoxifications, Nature bathing, Chakra Clearing, Chants, Bell ringing……… the thrills go on and on.

The one that sounds like pure torture to me are the “silent spas.”  Holy shit- people go for 2 to 5 DAYS without anyone talking? I would be out of my fucking MIND with days of total silence.  Please, let me give birth to 12 elephants without an epidural before I have to sit around in complete silence!  Are these people training to be some sort of monks?  And for this people are paying good money?  Something is wrong with this scene! THE SOUND OF SILENCE…. A little bit goes a LONG way in my book!

Call me old fashioned, but my idea of pampering is to take my clothes off and have someone massage me. I don’t want Chatty Cathy working on me, but should I want to let her know I’d like a little more pressure, I want to be able to speak up and get it done the way I like it!

Bells ringing, vibrations vibrating, chakras being cleared, water being poured on my head, rattles, wind chimes and other assorted “hocus-pocus” are just not my cup of tea.

Boring.  Old fashioned. Dull. Call me what you want, but when I’m being pampered, I prefer things a little more subdued.  I don’t feel the need for the Shaman and his dancing band of thieves to show up and set up a show. I think my Chakras are doing, fine, thanks for asking.  I’ll keep the bells on the windchimes outdoors.

Give me a quiet room, a little bit of “Origami music” (check out my Origami music side story, which is at the end of this blog)  and if we are really going all out- a heated bed, and I’m a pretty darned happy camper.  I prefer  the “cozy” of a warm massage bed to the extremes of being frozen and heated to excess……

So, as I previously said-  Keep the bells, the Shamans, the dings and the dongs, the good vibrations (I’ll keep the vibrating to the privacy of my own bedroom, thank you very much).  Just get out the massage oil, a semi dark room, my man on the adjoining massage table, and let’s stick to the basics.

Keep it simple stupid!

If you’d like to read the article and see what you can have done, and where to find it- here goes: Most Out There Spa Treatment

SIDE STORY- As promised………

Now that I mentioned “Origami music” I feel the need to explain.  A number of years ago, I owned a gift ware company.  When we worked the gift shows, it was damned hard work- on your feet for 8+ hours straight, trying to write as many orders as possible to keep the company profitable.  I always took 2 other girlfriends with me to work the markets.

At the LA gift show they had chair massage set up.  I told the girls that if we made a certain goal that day, I’d spring for chair massage on our way out.  Sure enough, goal achieved we went to get the massage.  My friend Kim was one of the hardest working people EVER.  Always doing for others, but seldom doing anything for herself…….. So, as we all settle in our chair massage contraptions, and just start to relax, Kim says, in all seriousness…. “This is great, but we need a little of that Origami music.”

HUH?  Origami music? What is that, music to fold paper by?

To this day, I can’t hear “massage music” without thinking about it being “Origami music.” Thanks for about 20 years of laughs over that one Kim Hartley!

 

 

 

The Best Gift(s) That I Ever Got….

Adventures With Attitude!, Comedy, Fabulous After 50, Family Time, Giving Back, Uncategorized

When Christmas is close we can’t help but think about gifts.  Both gifts we have given others, and gifts we have received. One of my favorite Christmas songs was on an album (yep, that’s how I still think….. album) by Barbara Streisand.  “The Greatest Gift I Ever Got” talks about the gift not costing a lot… Although, truth be told, the gift she is speaking about is a baby. And babies do. Cost. A. LOT!  However, I digress…..

When you think back about the gifts you have received over the years, it most often isn’t the ones that cost the most that you remember.  And, being the age I am now……. a whoppin’ old 60, I have a LOT of gifts I can think back on.  Most AREN’T remembered years later, sad as that may be.

Sometimes the ones we remember are the goofiest ones ever!  The ones where you received them and thought….. “Really? Really? This person thought this was an appropriate gift?” “They really thought I’d like this?  Need this?  WANT this?”  I remember when I married my kids’ dad… (remember readers, if you’ve been paying attention, I either have to number them, or refer to them by a phrase that will help you to remember.  This husband was husband # 2, “My kids’ dad” is the phrase I typically use. There could be a pop quiz on this at some point, so write this down so you can refer back later….)

Again, I digress……where was I?  Oh yes. When I married my Kids’ dad, we had a big wedding.  All the typical bells and whistles….. the hotel reception, band, food, drinks.  I was marrying a man with more kids than a basketball team (I think, anyway.  I’m not much of a sports person.)  So, it’s not just two little newlyweds starting out life. We were the Brady Bunch on steroids.  Some jackass gives us 2……. count them 2 REALLY ugly rust colored cloth placemats with matching napkins.  Dollar stores didn’t exist then, but if they had, these wouldn’t be sold there because they weren’t nice enough. I DO, however, remember them some 38 years later……. The ugly rust “sets of two”  were closely followed up by the 2 “napkin rings” another wedding attendee gave us which looked like hamburgers that you stuck your napkins through. Almost equally ugly on the gift giving spectrum.  Both attendees were obviously friends, to have given these gifts – and in the quantity they chose. Just in case we decided to have a romantic little “hamburger” picnic somewhere without the kids in tow, I suppose………

Back to the story line here.  When you think back to the best gifts that you ever got, they usually aren’t the most expensive.  They are often the most thoughtful.  Many times, they were something that someone took the time to make for you by hand.

I’ve been giving this a bit of thought of late. What was the best gift I’ve ever gotten?  I can’t really narrow it down to just one gift.  But I can narrow it down to a few.

I had wanted to skydive since I was a teenager.  I never had done it, for a number of reasons.  The biggest reason was that my husbands (yes, plural. And yes, all of them) always said the same thing.  “No wife of mine is going to jump out of a plane.” WTF is wrong with men- that they don’t want you to jump outta’ a plane? Possessive bastards!

So, after I got rid of the last husband…. (in case you are paying attention, and want to have the answer for the pop quiz. he was #3 and is fondly referred to as “The financial fuck-up.”  Write this down so you can refer back when needed.)

As I was saying……. after I got rid of the last hubby, I wanted more than EVER to jump out of a plane.  I’m a thrill seeker, and I love trying anything daring, fun and different.  My daughter surprised me, and her brother by buying us tickets to sky-dive together!  A TOTAL surprise, and one of my favorite gifts EVER. After all, if you ARE going to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, and if the worst should happen, go with all of your children along. That way you won’t leave behind any grieving kiddos!  As you can probably surmise by the fact that you are reading this blog……… it all worked out well in the end!  SUCH great fun, in fact, that we all 3 purchased another ticket to come back again and jump out together one more time!

Don, my current (and permanent- if I’ve got any say in the matter) man  bought me a hang gliding experience last year, but time hasn’t permitted me jumping off a cliff yet!  I can’t wait to do it though!

St. Nick isn’t the only one who brings great gifts!

One of the other gifts that meant the world to me came from a person  I don’t even know.  A number of years ago, a package came in the mail.  In it was a beautifully framed, counted cross-stitch picture.  It says “Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Heb. 13:2”.  In the package was a note, thanking me for letting this person in to make a call when they were lost.  You can tell how long ago this was, because it was before we had cell phones!  We lived in Rancho Santa Fe, and it was pretty easy to get turned around and lost out there.  And I was one of those trusting people who let someone come in and make a call to figure out where they needed to be.  It had happened more than once, so when this unexpected gift showed up, I barely remembered the incident.

When the gift arrived in the mail I was surprised.  Number 1, it hadn’t seemed like a big deal to me.  Number 2, I had done counted cross stitch, and trust me…… I don’t like ANYONE well enough to spend the time and effort to do it for THEM!  This little 6×6 framed saying has remained out in my home every day in the 25-30 years that I have owned it.  It is very pretty, but it’s much more than that.  Every time I look at it I have 2 thoughts.  What I did, in the smallest kindness, for whatever reason meant a lot to someone else.  AND, what they did for me meant so much to me.

We don’t know how a small kindness might affect someone else.  Just a kind word telling someone what a great job they are doing, how festive their holiday attire is, how you noticed THEIR kindness to someone else could mean more than you will EVER know.

So, in this time of gift giving— busyness, hustle and bustle, please remember to give the greatest gift of all.  Kindness.  It doesn’t cost anything, but can make the world of difference.

 

 

Creepy Christmas Carols

Comedy, My Humble Opinion, Royal Ramblings!, Uncategorized, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

I fully understand that most of our Christmas Carols were written quite some time ago – and standards of what is acceptable have changed dramatically during that time.  Am I the only one who shudders when you hear some of those “old classics?” Many are not only “politically incorrect” they are “socially incorrect.”

Think about it.  In We Wish You a Merry Christmas– a bunch of strangers walk up to your door, and start singing outside.  When you open the door, they demand “figgy pudding” (and God only knows what the hell THAT foul sounding concoction is).  Then this intrusive bunch of strangers says they “won’t go until they get some.”  It’s like spontaneous trick-or-treating of sorts, but you have no idea that this rude bunch was going to show up- and you are supposed to be Johnny-on-the-spot with some damned  figgy pudding! Or maybe, it would better be called Martha-Stewart-on-the-spot! ( I’d doubt that even Martha would have figgy pudding whipped up, ready for carolers! And – I’d also bet, you don’t just show up ringing the bell at Martha’s house unannounced!) I can’t imagine too many of us would be ready to welcome a large group of strangers into our home unannounced and feed them dessert!

Where was Santa when the bullying was taking place?

Then of course, the one that really makes my blood boil.  The ultimate “it’s OK to bully someone” song.  Rudolph The Red Nose Raindeer. Rudolph, the poor little raindeer with the big red nose.  This poor little guy is different from the other “kids” and gets teased, made fun of and ostracized from raindeer society.

The big guy in the red suit obviously knows this bullying is going on, and he doesn’t do anything to stop it either.  But then- alas- when there is a USE for poor little Rudolph- he is called upon and becomes the hero of the raindeer hierarchy. Am I the only one who is pissed off by this little song?  Come on- why didn’t anyone stick up for little Rudolph earlier in this little ditty?  Fuck you Dasher and Dancer, Donder and Blitzen, and all your other little raindeer bully friends………And shame on you Santa and Mrs. Claus for letting the bullying happen in the first place.

How about Santa Claus is Coming to Town.  Again, Creepy!  He “Sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.”  This sounds more like Stalker Santa than not,  in my book! Picture some fat old guy hovering about in your bedroom,  looking over you when you are a small child asleep in your room.  Uh………. no thanks! I’m not going there  for just  a few little presents under the tree Santa….. I have my standards!

Oh my goodness- another song that is very odd when you think it through.  I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.  What’s it do to a little kid to see his slutty mommy screwing around under the same roof where daddy lives?  What’s THAT say to a developing little psyche? Mommy is kissing AND tickling the chubby old guy, and this kids sneaks in and sees the whole scene! Right under the same roof where daddy was probably the sole breadwinner in those days! I have a feeling that once daddy gets told mommy is screwing around with another guy, this kid is going to find out it isn’t so “funny” after all!

The guy in this song just doesn’t get the word NO!

The REALLY creepy song?  What I call the original “date rape” song.  Baby It’s Cold Outside. This woman CLEARLY states numerous times she wants to leave, and he insists she stays.She says “I really must go, the answer is no.”  Still he insists she stay- saying there are no cabs outside, because it’s cold!   Whatever happened to that saying- “No means no?” Not only does he keep insisting she stay, but it sounds like he slipped a rufie into her drink! She says, “What’s in this drink?” CREEPY!  CREEPY!  Mr. Date Rape himself is the star of this little ballad!

“Say, WHAT’S in this drink? (Maybe a rufie?)

Santa Baby takes “gold digging” to a new standard!  Work it sister, and get the old geezer to buy you diamonds, furs and cars! There is a GREAT standard to teach the kids!  Money can’t buy you happiness, but using those womanly curves can get you the goods!

The list goes on and on…… this is just the tip of the Creepy Christmas Carol lyrics.

My last comment on Christmas Carols…….. I know I have a number of screws loose, but am I the only person who gets creeped out whenever Karen Carpenters songs come on? I don’t know WHAT it is, but the whole time she is singing my mind plays a constant loop of “dead woman singing.”  I don’t think that when Whitney Houston songs come on, or Nat King Cole, or Bing Crosby- or any number of other artist who have gone on to the big gates in the sky….. but Karen Carpenter songs cause damage to my brain, because that is all I can think of……. Dead woman singing.  I know, someone should have me committed…….. put away for a long time so I don’t do further damage to myself or those around me.

My mind tends to go to places the average Joe, or Josephine wouldn’t begin to imagine.

A little PS to this article…. Do you remember the song Grandma Got Run Over by a Raindeer?  Well, check out the following YouTube link!   It gives some real credibility to that song!

Say What Siri?

Comedy, Uncategorized

It is only me who has Siri say and do strange things?  Sometimes I really have to wonder if there REALLY just might be a person on the other end, just trying to screw with me!  Have you ever noticed how, invariably, when you do the “talk texting” something is always misunderstood by Siri, and it, without a doubt, will come out as something sexual? I can’t help but believe that someone at Apple must be a perv, because they had to program this in!  These responses just don’t dream themselves up! Siri isn’t thinking this off the top of her head, you can count on that!

I admit in this video that I have actually been known to argue with Siri.  I know, it’s embarrassing, but true. At least I admit my faults — few as they are.  Not everyone can say that!

I invite you to watch me tell my experiences with Siri from one of my comedy shows.  If nothing else, I hope you get a laugh from it.

After all, it’s Friday afternoon.  Time for a laugh……. and a drink.  It’s the official start to the weekend. If you are still working, just tell your boss I said it’s OK……..

Don’t forget, if you are ever looking for a speaker for your event, a comedienne for your party, event or office party— I’m your girl!  Whether you need it to be G rated, or a little bit more racey…….. I can tailor my presentation to YOUR needs!

Tora, The Body Beautiful, The Headless Woman

Comedy, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

Most of you probably know that I do stand up comedy.  But, perhaps some of you don’t!  I thought I’d just share one of my stories which is on my You Tube Channel. The story of my first job, and how I became the success I am today. After all, how many people do you know who were stars of a Freak Show?  That’s me! People often ask where I get my material for my comedy. Look people, when you start out life with your first job as Tora, The Body Beautiful, The Headless Woman……… life just brings you enough shit daily to make people laugh!

That being said, I thought I’d share that sotry here.  Funny thing is, when I pulled up my YouTube Channel, smack between all of my videos is a video entitled, “Lady craps her pants on slingshot ride!  Seriously, as I said before, you can’t make this shit up!  WHY in the world is this smack dab between all of my videos, I ask you? I am not that woman, and I have never, to this day, crapped my pants in public. (Sure as hell, because I said that, it will happen before the week s out, you can just about count on that!)

That kind of sums up the story of my life- a woman crapping her pants, right between my funny-ness. Go figure.

Anyway, here’s one of my stories, just to give you a little laugh today, and if you want to check out more of my videos, go to you tube, and my channel, Patti Phillips, The Comedy Queen.  

And of course, it goes without saying, I can bring my funny-ness to you, or the organization of your choice any darned time you might like- because that’s what I do!

Have a funny day! And try not to crap your pants, slingshot ride or not!

 

Ta Ta for the Titties, Too Much for Me!

Comedy, Fabulous After 50, My Humble Opinion, Raves & Rotten Reviews, styles, Uncategorized, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

TaDa for the TaTa’s…..

I don’t care what kind of sweat be a drippin’ down your boobs. No one needs to look like this!

So here I am, just strolling through Facebook. The first “down time” I’ve had in almost 2 weeks, and I thought I’d check out what is going on in the world of my Facebook friends, when suddenly I come across this ad for the Ta Ta Towel.  I had to stop, take a gander, then look into this further.

Uh, no. Not for me. So sorry!

If you aren’t yet familiar with the Ta Ta Towel, it is basically a hammock, made out of a towel to hang your titties in. In other words, an “Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.”  (That’s what I would have called this invention, if, indeed, I had invented it….. which I didn’t, because I didn’t know there was even a need for it.)  Evidently, a number of big breasted women seem to sweat under their boobs while getting themselves ready to go out into the world for the day.  Hence, the “Ta Ta Towel” was invented. It is described on their sites as “The perfect accessory to any set of boobs.” I prefer a diamond necklace as my boobs perfect little accessory.  Call me a snob.

No one should be going out in public like this. Sorry! If you wonder why you can’t get a date, maybe it’s because you are out in clothing that just wouldn’t flatter ANYONE! Not to mention, those titties are gonna go a floppin’ out, you can just about count on that!

Solutions for Sweaty Boobs

Perhaps I’m a skeptic, and perhaps it’s because my rather ample boobs don’t seem to have this weeping sweatage problem…….. but did anyone ever think of a simple little robe?  I have a cute little leopard number, which is nice and cool in our oh-so-hot summer weather, and I throw that on when I’m getting ready for the day. (Unless the weather is cool, then I throw on a warmer robe. But in either case, I don’t need a special over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.)  My simple little robe seems to do the trick for me.

I did a little further research on the Ta Ta, and found they have a facebook page, a number of “reviews” on the item, and, evidently, some different colors and patterns that the Ta Ta might be ordered in.

I’m a Sucker, I’ll Admit It!

I’ll admit, I’m usually a sucker for everything that comes my way, and promises to solve a problem.  I’ve tried the “Skinny Coffee.”  About $30.00 later, and a few weeks of coffee that had some suspect white specs in it later…… not an ounce was lost. I also fell prey to the curlers that promised to give me ringlet type of curls fast and easy……. wait for the video on this one folks.  You’ll be glad you did. (As soon as I figure out how the hell to make said video).  The black mud looking mask……… don’t ask.

This time, however, I did not fall prey to ordering the Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.  Why you may ask?  When even the model looks frumpy and dumpy in it, I know that no one in my house, including me, needs to see this shit.  In addition, they retail for $45.00!  Are they kidding me?  Come on. REALLY Ta Ta?  Had this thing been $10.00, maybe even $15.00, I would have been tempted to buy one, just for shits and giggles, and to share with the likes of you who read this blog.  But seriously?  $45.00?  Holy crap!  I am in itinerant “second hand” shopper.  My nicest dresses and evening gowns don’t even cost me $45.00!  Am I going to buy a boob sweat sopper and spend that much?  Not on your life Sam! No way!  I could buy at least 4 or 5 new dresses for that amount of money, and they are going to be one HELL of a lot more fun and flattering than this gizmo!

I suppose I could do a “Go Fund Me” page, so that people could contribute to me purchasing the Ta Ta, but I’m saving that route for something really big and important, like a face lift or tummy tuck sometime down the line.  You’ve got to plan these things out to get the most “bang for your buck” you know!

Ta Ta Towel s just not me!

I have to say, the Ta Ta Towel just doesn’t speak to me! Just give me a little “seasonal” robe! Cozy in the winter, cool in the summer! Is it too much work to try to look a bit reasonable, even at home?

Meanwhile, I’ll just use one of my cute little robes to hold the boulders while I’m getting ready for the day. And thank my lucky little stars that my boobs don’t sweat.  Life is good here at the Queen’s castle!

If you think that you just can’t live without a Ta Ta Towel, here is a bit more information on this nifty invention!

Lost in Translation

Comedy, Uncategorized, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

A Different World!

A while back, I found myself in the neighborhood of a large Asian market, so I decided I’d stop in.  I’d had a craving for lemongrass tea, and the only place I know to find honest-to-goodness lemongrass is at the Asian market.

From the moment you pull in the parking lot, you know you are in a different world.  To begin with, about 90% of the parking spaces in this lot are labeled “compact.”  What the hell is up with that?  Do they assume that because many Asians are small, they must all drive compact cars?  You might think that my car would qualify, since I drive a Korean car, a Hyundai Sonata. But alas, not true.  My car was definitely far too large for most of the spaces in this lot.  So I was forced to drive around until one of the very few “non-compact” spaces opened up.

The “Wrong” Hair Salon….

Just doing this proved to be interesting.  To begin with, the business directly next store to the Ranch 99 Asian Market is called the Lazy Day Spa.  Now, depending on where you put the accent as you read it, the name of this spa can read two ways.  I couldn’t help but picture a comedy skit where someone calls for an appointment, and the 2 Asian ladies working there give some sort of response to the caller, such as, “No, I can’t book a massage for you, I’m feeling verrry razy.” (Asian accent making the pronunciation of lazy turn to “razy”….. “Hey Risa,” (the Asian pronunciation for Lisa…..  “You feel like giving massage today?”  Upon Lisa’s answer, the caller is told, “Sorry, we are feeling too razy today to give massage, call some other time.” (In case you think I made this up- here is the link I found on Backpage…….. not sure what TYPE of massage you might get here!  Buyer beware!)

This particular market is its own sort of mini-mall.  In addition to the market, there are a number of stores which line the entry hall.  Outside of the market is a sign for one of the shops.  A hair salon.  A hair salon with a most unfortunate name.  The Rong Rong Hair Salon.  (Really, you can’t make this shit up!) Again, immediately I picture going to this salon, and my hairstyle, cut or color not exactly coming out as I expected.  When asked by a friend who did my hair, my response would be, “The Rong Rong Salon.”  I’m sure she would reply, “Duh, that is obvious to see, that’s why I want to know where you went!  Can’t you just give me the name of this wrong place you went? Friends don’t let friends get their hair f’d up like yours just did! ”

It seems to me that neither of these businesses really thought out the translation, and what assumptions could be made by their chosen names!  A great example of “losing something in the translation.”

Ah, but it doesn’t stop there.  Oh no!

When you enter the Asian Market, you feel as though you are transported half way around the world. The smell is DEFINITELY something different than we would ever have in your typical Ralph’s or Von’s…… let’s just call it “pungent”……….. a mix of seafood and strange assorted dried roots, fish and other unidentifiable products, such as we have never seen in our stores.

As you wander through the produce section, there are dozens of fruits and vegetables that are totally unknown in our culture.  I wasn’t sure what a number of them were, or what you were supposed to do with them!  I do know that one of them, the Duran fruit, is supposed to have such an awful odor that when we were in Thailand, hotels forbade them to be brought into the hotel!  (Hmmmmmm maybe this is a small part of the store’s strange odor.

As you wander up and down the aisles, once again, you will find hundreds of items unknown to our culture!

The Asian JonBenet Ramsey

The epitome of the lack of translation came while I was waiting to check out.  I seemed to have gotten into the line of the slowest check out person in history.  (A special talent I have developed and honed throughout the years.)  Since the check out stand is right in front of a major aisle going through the store (a kind of idiotic layout, if I do say myself) I decided to continue the line down the grocery aisle across from the checkout stand. This aisle, as it turned out, is the beauty aisle.  Again, products one would never see in a typical “American” grocery store.  Since, said slow checker was moving slower than molasses on a cold day, I had a lot of time to peruse this particular aisle.  One of the first things I noticed was hair dye, obviously produced in Japan. The pictures on the front of the hair dye were a bit unsettling. The pictures, showing the hair color appeared to be the Japanese version of JonBenet Ramsey.  The girl looks to be about 6.  REALLY?  Are 6 year olds in Japan buying, and using a large amount of hair dye?  Is this the effect that Japanese women are trying to achieve by dying their hair- looking like a grade schooler?  A bit disconcerting, to say the least.

 Creepy Kid

Am I the only one who finds this photo on women’s hair dye a bit odd?

As I waited, the Asian version of Justin Bieber walked up, with bleached blonde hair which was gelled about 6”  above his head.  In tow were two teenaged girls, who appeared to be almost like “groupies” giggling and batting their lashes at him.  They were, evidently, in pursuit of the hair wax which helped his modified pompadour to perform undefiable feats of magic!  Unfortunately, Justin and his entourage had encountered a problem.  The problem being, said hair was  housed on the top shelf of the hair products, making it a bit over 6 feet from the floor.  Making it also, about 18” out of reach of most of the patrons of the store.  Tallish Caucasian woman to the rescue!  I was able to retrieve the needed item, and send “Justin” and his eye batting fans on their way.

Huh?

I assume this is trying to say that California is still in a drought?

Start Your Morning With A Motivational Mug!

While still waiting for slow-clerk, I glanced to my left, and, being “The Queen” my eye was immediately attracted to something pink, sporting a crown.  The lefthand side of this aisle was filled with dishes, such as rice dishes, sushi plates and mugs. What had caught my eyes were a series of mugs, with, ummmmm,  “Motivational Sayings???????” on them.  I guess my question here on them actually being “motivational sayings”, is that the translation was so poor, in most the cases I wasn’t at all sure what the point of the sayings were.

If you say so!

No sense trying to be a success folks! If you don’t do it all the time, you are just a loser, according to this motivational wonder!

I proceeded through the line, eventually, and on my way I went.  But I couldn’t get these mugs out of my mind.  I was having a comedy show a few days later, so I decided these would be a great addition to the show.  Down to Claremont Mesa I went, pulled into the lot of Ranch 99, fought for one of the few “non-compact” parking places, strolled into the pungent market, and over to the shelf which held the mugs.  Imagine my surprise when I saw that the mugs, which had been PLENTIFUL days before, at least 50 of them in stock originally, were down to just 5 mugs left.

Road Signs?

You evidently have to be willing to get to the end of the road……. or something like that!

Obviously, whatever the translation is supposed to be made more sense to people who started out speaking a different language than English!  Go figure!  If you work hard, you can kind of get the gist of what they were attempting to say.  But then……… there are a few that will forever remain a mystery.  Well, a mystery to me, I guess. They obviously made sense to the people who snapped them up off the store shelves!  The last one below, is REALLY the kicker!  I can’t for my LIFE figure out what it is supposed to mean.  Any guesses?

Say WHAT?

What they were trying to say here is FAR beyond my capabilities to figure out! I had to keep this one, and often contemplate it while enjoying my morning Cuppa!

 

 

 

Please Flush The Toilet!

Comedy, Mimsy Whimsy, My Humble Opinion, Pet Peeves, Royal Ramblings!, Serious Shit, You Can't Make This Shit Up!

Excuse me, can you please just flush the damned toilet?

Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves, we all have them.  Sometimes, they are legit.  Sometimes, you are just plain fucking crazy.  MY pet peeves are all reasonable.  Anyone and everyone would agree with them, I’m certain.

Park on Freemont

I love the  humor on the sign in the ladies room at this restaurant (Park on Fremont in Las Vegas)!  So many signs in restrooms are ridiculous and boring…and say the same ol’ shit you’ve read 100 times!  If we don’t know by now we need to wash our hands, I think it’s just plain too damned late!

The one that is my #1 Pet Peeve-leaving the toilet, toilet seat or toilet stall a mess.  Listen bitches, when you walk out of a public restroom, before you leave the stall, look back, and make sure that anything you left in or ON  the toilet is gone once you flush.  It SEEMS like such an easy thing to me.  I do it, and never once have I been worn out from the effort. I actually don’t even remember a time I had to take a nap immediately after due to the stress of such tough work. I make sure the toilet paper has flushed, the pee-pee and pooh-pooh have flushed, ass gaskets have gone down the toilet, and no drips are on the seat.  It’s a pretty simple task, in my estimation……

Bathroom Sign

Seriously, should we have to have a sign to tell people this shit? It seems simple enough to figure out, doesn’t it?

Why, oh why, oh why then is it that about 3 times out of 4, I walk into a stall to find one or more of the above mentioned gross situations,  in or on a toilet???? COME ON LADIES!  I’m willing to bet that at home, these same women don’t have huge wads of toilet paper building up in their toilets!  They’d have a fit if their husband left a single drip of urine on the toilet seat. And yet, it’s OK for me to walk in the stall they just walked out of and deal with their filth!

 

The one that REALLY frost my ass is the person who uses an ass gasket (the little paper thing that is supposed to keep you from getting some sort of life-threatening disease) and leaves it on the toilet when they walk out. The tissue thin paper has now soaked up the water/urine/whatever from the toilet being flushed, so that while THEY have chosen not to touch a dry toilet seat previously, they have left a sopping tissue and urine soaked toilet seat for the next victim using the same stall.………

I wish this was a rare occurance, but unfortunately, it just isn’t! Come on- why do I now have to handle YOUR ass gasket?

What About the Golden Rule?

Who the hell thinks this shit is A-OK?  What about the golden rule?  I really don’t understand the thought process of these women, but there evidently are  a huge shit-load of you out there!  I’ve been known on occasion to call someone out when they have just evacuated and left this sort of mess.  “Excuse me, would you like to finish the flushing and wiping process from the toilet you just walked out of?”  Typically, all I have gotten in response is a rude look, as I decide to use another stall.

And, while we are on this shitty topic- how many people REALLY need a reminder, every damned time we are in a toilet, that all that is supposed to go into the toilet is toilet paper?  I honestly think I’ve seen the request made any number of different ways: cute, pleading, bitchy, formally, silly.  All, however said, basically say the same thing- Don’t put anything that didn’t come out of your body naturally, or was used to wipe the same part down the toilet.  Simple.  Seems simple.  Seems uber simple. Can’t we just be told this once in life, and have the information stick?  Evidently there are a lot of people out there breaking this common sense rule too, or they wouldn’t be reminding us of it every time we shut the stall door.  SERIOUSLY?  Come on people, this isn’t fucking rocket science!

Bathroom signs

Again, this isn’t rocket science. Is there any female who hasn’t figured this one out by the time they are 12 years old- and may really need to USE feminine products?

Singapore Does Things Right!  Big Brother, And Sister, Are Watching!

I don’t know if you are privy to this, but in Singapore, you can place someone under citizens arrest if they don’t flush the toilet and leave the stall properly clean and tidy.  I’d add one more layer to that rule, and make them clean the whole damn bathroom.  With their tongues.  I realize, I’m a tough task-master, but anyone who knows me, knows that I just don’t abide rudeness well.  They would remember if they did THAT shit, I’m sure.

This is the type of Bathroom PSA I appreciate. Ones that remind me what to flush and not flush seem redundant…..Club Fox has it right!

Toilets would be flushed.  Ass gaskets would be flushed down the toilet completely and neatly.  Urine drips and God forbid, blood drops would be wiped up, and the wiping tissue placed neatly where it belonged.

A word of advice, should our bathroom useage cross paths….beware, if I’m in the bathroom, and you leave it gross, and I happen to be the one walking in as you walk out….I’m calling you out in front of everyone, so be ready!

Bathroom performance sign

This is painted on the wall of Peggy Sue’s Diner in Yermo- on the way to Las Vegas. Kind of cute. I love it when bathrooms have clever signs in their bathrooms or on the door to tell whether it is a men’s room or women’s room!

You Can’t Always Trust “BOB”

Comedy, Fabulous After 50, Mimsy Whimsy, Serious Shit, Sexuality, Sexy After 60!, Uncategorized, You Can't Make This Shit Up!
Spying Vibrator

Spying Vibrator! Watch out ladies!

You can’t always trust BOB  (Battery Operated Boyfriend)

A friend of mine mentioned to me that she doesn’t need a boyfriend.  She already has BOB.  BOB it seems, is a battery operated boyfriend.  (For those of you who are really slow, this is a vibrator.)  I thought that a great play on words.  After all, men can let you down, but BOB won’t.  Right???

Wrong!  It turns out that not only could BOB let you down, but he could severely disappoint you.  Make you feel the fool.  Use and abuse you!  You might wonder how in the world THAT could be possible?

The big story broke in the news mid-March.  Evidently, the company who makes a vibrator known as the We-Vibe got caught spying on their buyers’ personal vibrator use!  Yep, that’s right people!  You could buy this vibrator, and then download an app which allowed it to be turned on through your smart phone remotely or whatever you wanted…..

Let’s recap this.  If you haven’t seen this vibrator, it’s a little c-shaped number, that I guess clamps right into the ol’ vagina and on your clit.  So, I’m not understanding this.  Are women walking around with this thing, and just for shits and giggles the hubby hits the on button from his smart phone while he’s busting it out earning a buck at the office?  I’m pretty damn forward thinking sexually, but this whole thing just isn’t making sense to me…..Maybe one of you who read this blog will fill me in, because I’m a bit mystified here. Truly I am….. I just can’t imagine that I’m going to spend my day hooked up to my little We vibrator………  I mean, wouldn’t it just want to fall out?  Now THAT could be an embarrassing moment in your day.

Clit-Gate… Someone’s Watching!

So, as the story goes, the folks that be, at We Vibe’s parent company, Standard Innovation, went into the records of all the sexually active users, to determine how long and at what frequency said customers used their little sex toys. You could think of this as “Clit-Gate.” The app was called We-Connect.  I guess that people didn’t realize that the WE who would be connecting was going to be the manufacturer, checking in on YOUR vagina! This is worse than the spying Russians! Worse than the spying microwaves!  These spys are right in your bedroom, and hooked up to your Va- Jay-Jay!  It doesn’t get any more personal than this!  The only spy I’ve know who was this intimate was James Bond, and he had to at least don a tuxedo and talk his way into a ladies bedroom before he turned on the “spy mode!”

You’ve Can’t Trust These New-fangled inventions!

Interesting Data Research Project…

Now THAT must have been some interesting data research going on there!  Can’t you see it?  “Hey boss, Mary Smith in Wasco, Illinois uses her vibrator 8 times a day, for an average of 16 minutes each time.  Do you think I could google her, and give her a call?  I’m all about helping out a girl in need!”

So, however the beans got spilled, the powers that be found out that women’s clits all over the United States were being spied on, without their knowledge, and it resulted in a HUGE settlement from the sex toy manufacturer.

A New Meaning to The Phrase “Your Money-Maker”

In fact, if it turns out that you are one of the people who downloaded this app, it was worth a whopping $10000.00 to you!  Holy Shit!  I’d have bought one of these puppies had I known I could use the money maker to make this kind of money!

And if it turns out that you bought the We-vibe, but didn’t download the app, so your sweetie could turn you on remotely?  Still worth $199.00 buck-a-roos.  Not bad. I guess it’s about the amount these things cost when you purchased them, so they are paying you back for their fuck up.  Good deal, you can still use the original We-Vibe, and visit the sex store to buy some new sex enhancing items.

Just watch what you download on them, you never know who might be watching!  Just in case you think I might make this shit up- here is an article to prove that I am a girl of my word! Google and you will find numerous other articles discussing the lawsuit.  Interesting reading, for those nights you don’t have BOB to entertain you……

Meanwhile,  I think I’ll just stick with the good ol’ fashioned boyfriend that I have at home, and forget the new fangled, remote controlled BOB!

Afternote on this blog.  I looked up to see how you are supposed to use this wonder of sexuality.  It turns out, the “spy factory” produced a film.  If you want a REAL laugh, I’d suggest you watch the “how to” film.  The use of this object is only more mystifying to me at this point.  Between the petting the couple are doing to each other, and the hand used to exemplify a woman’s vagina……. I am thoroughly confused.  And Amused…….. (We-Vibe How To Video)